Choosing the present

Every deep breath I suck in expands my capacity for knowing goodness in the most intimate way. Raindrops taste like honey. The space I exist in is cozy-safe and yet holds infinite possibility. I release deep-rooted desires from their hiding spots, and they take on form as my words lift them to the ears of the One who's always listening. My limbs are teeming with life... it rushes through them like the most powerful, loudest-roaring river you've ever stood on the banks of. My gut has a pulse, it's a truth-throbbing in the very core of me. This is what it means to be me - to be alive, to be free, to be empowered, to exist on substantiated, extravagant hope.

The lesson I'm learning today: it is worth everything to shake off the dust of your past and the fantasies of your future in order to be present today, right here, right now. Cliché? The words may be... but the REALITY is far from it.

The reality is that the realm of possibility brewing in this day is far beyond what I can even comprehend.

The reality is that the vibrating tension of the moment shared between life-controlled, truth-obsessed, freedom-dwelling people is divine energy that doesn’t happen anywhere else.

The reality is that I am living out eternal life right now, with each breath I take, and that all glory and power associated with the promise of eternal life indwells in me currently.

The reality is that every experience from my past that has defined me and all the hopes I’ve used to build my future are superseded by the rich fullness of NOW. And so I release my grips on past and future and immerse myself instead in the freedom available this instant, as I lean into and agree wholly with the TRUTH that is being ever-revealed to me in vast grace and deep love.

An answer (part 2)

My answer is based on the GOODNESS of the truth found in Romans 8. I am no longer in the flesh, but am now in the Spirit... He is my new identity. Therefore all that reeks of sin and death is overcome and replaced with all that shines with life and peace. There is no striving or waiting for fullness - it is mine for the taking immediately. My role is only to agree with truth, to align myself with the Spirit, to acknowledge my true identity. That is goodness and power and beauty all for free because of what Christ did on the cross. What he did through his crucifixion and resurrection eliminates the need for me to bear through process, to struggle, to dwell in a place of tension and conflict. Jesus' work means I can step into all that the Spirit is today, right now, completely and fully.

That's reason for hope, for joy, for peace that doesn't make sense in present circumstances.

An answer (part 1)

There’s that verse in 1 Peter about always being prepared to give an answer for the hope that is in you. I’ve heard a lot of sermons and youth group talks and small group discussions on this, and they always left me wondering “does everyone else get asked about their hope a lot?” Because I didn’t. Until recently. These days I’m fielding a lot of questions about why I’m so positive, so content, so unfrazzled, so “happy”…

My answer is simple and yet so deep. The reason for my hope rests in my identity as a child of God. I am who he sees me as: whole, strong, pure, delightful, powerful, capable, and beautiful. I am not weak, needy, broken, damaged, tainted, useless, or draining. I do not have to wait or work for blessing, goodness, and fullness; I can claim it all right now. I have much to offer, and do not have gaps to be filled. I am not a sinful lump covered by a translucent cloak of grace; rather I have been gutted and reborn and I am now a divine expression of life and Spirit. The Spirit who indwells and defines me knows no boundaries. The Father who designed and seduced me never stops whispering promise to my heart. And the Jesus who bought and restored me did it so completely that he enabled me to exist in utter freedom every moment of every day.

More on my answer later, because it’s just too big and great for one post…

Breaking up with limits

Limits. Somewhere along the way we all “grow up” into the “understanding” and “acceptance” that limits are a part of life. They’re natural, they’re realistic, and our best chance at happiness is learning to operate within them. It’s terribly practical, insanely reasonable, and painfully “mature”.

I have no need for limits anymore.

Call it what you will, but I’m breaking up with limits. We’re through. Limits look like things I tell myself over and over, that I begin to believe about myself, that don't even remotely resemble who God says I am. Limits look like fears that keep me “reigned in”, so I don’t embarrass myself by being too “naively ambitious”. Limits make me friends and earn me their esteem and acceptance as they drain me of the LIMITLESS ESSENCE OF THE SPIRIT.

So I'm going another way. I’m owning dreaming instead. I’m drifting into imagination. I'm claiming desire. I’m listening to the faintest whispers of my heart, those that have been “hushed” and swatted aside for many years. I’m calling to them now; “Come out of hiding! Find your voice again! Remind me how awesome possibility is!”

I’m embracing the childlike big-dreamer who doesn't worry about the balance in the bank account or the “necessity” of skills and a career path. I’m shrugging off the frantic grasping at “stability”. I’m choosing life in the Spirit… led by the promises of the God who fashioned me to be uniquely creative and hopeful and enthusiastic about the opportunity that life in Him offers.

Old pain

I went on a hike yesterday. I was with friends, out in gorgeous weather, and greatly looking forward to it. About a quarter of the way up the trail I became aware of a dull pain in my bad right knee. At the halfway point I was in serious pain. And then I started thinking about how going downhill on a bad knee is more painful than going uphill, and how each uphill step I managed meant an even more painful downhill step on the way back. So I decided to stop. I let the group continue, and I found a place to sit and enjoy beautiful scenery while I waited for them to come back down the trail.

This isn’t abnormal – the knee has been injured since my sophomore year in high school and I’m used to it flaring up and messing with my plans for physical fun and glory. I came to terms with this a long time ago. It’s just the way it is, for me, with my bum knee. But yesterday, it pissed me off. A couple of minutes after my group left me alone, the tears came. At first I thought it was just the pain that was causing me to cry, but I don’t cry from pain often, and these tears felt different anyway – they were hot and they stung. And then I realized that I was angry… like… super angry.

I think I was okay with my knee ruining my activities before because of my mindset. I believed that, in every aspect of life, my old stuff – the pain and wounds and sin patterns and JUNK – was just a natural part of me I had to learn to accept and work with. It was just reality to me, and the best way to deal was just to come to terms with it, submit to it, and do the best I could despite it. But I no longer think that way. And as my world has been blown open by a revelation of grace, I have – apparently! – lost my tolerance for being limited by old pain.

Obviously, I didn’t sit on top of a massive boulder halfway up that trail crying for an hour because I couldn’t make it to the top. But my inability to complete the hike and see the view reminded me of all the other things I’ve been missing out on because of old injuries… Injuries to my heart and my soul that have yielded power over me for so long. The longer I sat there the more infuriated I became that my experience of the goodness of God has been so limited due to those old wounds. My former apathy has been replaced with a burning desire to eradicate all constraints on the freedom Christ died for me to have. I’ve realized it’s not the “norm” to operate with those limitations… and I’m no longer okay with submitting to that warped idea of reality. So I’m moving forward expecting the Spirit in me to overcome all the old junk that’s been limiting me so I can step into complete freedom, unlimited possibility, and overwhelming goodness.

My blueprint

I’m trying to get this truth to sink in:

The blueprint for our individuality is unchangeable and perfect. Expertly designed and just as it should be. There’s no need for CHANGE. He bought back the original at the cross. The original you was founded in I AM. Perfect. Complete. Unique. An expression of LOVE.

(thanks, Ashley)

So here’s (part of) my blueprint:

I love the wind – especially the hardcore kind that whips tree branches and swirls leaves in upward spirals. In a crowd, I sit on the outskirts and take it all in. I’m completely comfortable with this position as long as there is still room for my thoughts. It only becomes oppressive if I can’t find that space. I have a thing for fireworks; they are magical to me because they’re one of the only things that can transform me back into an 8-year-old. I notice the small things. I exist at a deeper level than a lot of people ever even visit. I will ask boundary-blowing questions in order to go there with people. There aren’t many of those kinds of questions I won’t answer fully and honestly. I love any body of water – I’m drawn to it and I have to have to touch it. I prefer cold weather and nighttime. My mind never stops. There is always a plethora of thoughts and questions and wonderings dancing around in there. It takes me ages to fall asleep every night because they require my attention before they’ll calm down enough for me to sleep. Music is almost always a soul-stirring experience for me. I don’t scare off easily – depth and intensity and complexity compel, instead of repel, me. I want to ride in a hot air balloon so so bad. Once someone has worked their way into my heart, I am fiercely dedicated and loyal to them, even when others say it’s detrimental, but I rarely regret it. I am an "excerptor" - I lift words from books, movies, songs, overheard conversations - and save all the snippets in a notebook. I communicate really well; both verbally and through writing. I like myself the most when I’m around kids – they bring out good parts of me that don’t get much exercise otherwise. I’m always looking to learn – to expand my understanding and reach deeper levels of truth. I love well. I’m good in crisis – I stay calm and strong and wait until everyone is taken care of before I lose control. I am a good listener; I ask good questions and I remember what is told to me...

... to be continued when I am able to swallow a bit more revelation...